since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are better fate
than wisdom
lady I swear by all flowers. Don't cry
-- the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says
we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis
e.e. cummings
Lucky.
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Saturday, October 01, 2005
Hey. Myspace is crap, I admit. I post on rare occasions.
Anyway.
Go there.
Posted at 07:30 pm by pseudoclassic
you shouldn't laugh
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
I think this blog is getting old. It no longer entertains me. I'm not going to erase it, so feel free to browse old entries. And laugh as loudly as you'd like.
Shoom...
Myspace sucks. It's cheap. I like it because it feels nice once in a while to see "NEW MESSAGE!" or "NEW FRIEND REQUESTS!". Cheap thrills. Whatev.
Hmm...I haven't found a new blog yet.
According to blogdrive, this is the third time i've updated today.
Posted at 10:16 pm by pseudoclassic
you shouldn't laugh
I hate having my whole day planned around one event and having it, "Oh...well, I didn't think you would take it seriously. I said it...just 'cause." Feels kind of shitty. The trappings of commitment. I hate blowing plans especially after anticipation. I rarely ever back out of a promise. It kind of makes me wonder how many people don't follow through on what they say.
This happened yesterday, too. Feels shitty. There's not much you can trust.
Pooptastic.
Well, to say the least...I had the chance to relax? By doing absolutely nothing for two days. Nothing but waiting for the phone to ring. Or the next hour so I can call again and having it not picked up. I should probably start making people give me their word before they attempt to make plans.
So. Who knows the rise of Islam through the rise of the Abbasid empire? I took notes on that section twice.
Excuse me while I mope.
[edit]
I'm over it.
Posted at 04:36 pm by pseudoclassic
you shouldn't laugh
It's trying to eat itself.
I have nothing to say. I did nothing today. Ah, that rhymed.
For old time's sake.
10 Random things about me
10) Sometimes I wish I know the extent of my family history.
09) I own a number of embarassing CDs. One of which includes Aaron Carter.
08) I'm still quite attached to my embarassing Cds.
07) I used to want white skin when I was 5 or 6 from watching skin-whittening commercials in Taiwan. So I put baby powder on my skin.
06) I am overly observant on useless things.
05) I get defensive when people introduce me as the one who "loves to play piano".
04) I wore a pair of graffitied pants to school one day in 7th grade and thought it was cool. Not that graffitied pants aren't cool...it was the things I wrote on them that weren't.
03) I love TV. Especially the commericials.
02) I'd rather go barefoot.
01) I hate the 8th graders because they remind me of me when I was in 5th grade.
9 Ways to win my heart
09) Acknowledge my presence. It works about 100% of the time.
08) Smile.
07) Joke.
06) Have direction in general.
05) Laugh a lot. And never ask me why I laugh so much.
04) Play an instrument. But not anything that clashes with mine.
03) Being modest usually goes along with #4.
02) Have the ability to magically help me speak.
01) I can't think of any more. It really doesn't take a lot to "win my heart".
8 Things I want to do before I die
08) Tour Europe.
07) Adopt a kid. A French kid.
06) Become fluent in French.
05) Produce my own show on the Travel Channel.
04) Get married.
03) Go to boarding school.
02) Go to a good college.
01) Play the harp.
7 Things that annoy me
07) When people don't take things seriously.
06) When people don't do the things they say.
05) Anything that deals with hygiene.
04) OBVIOUS hypocracy. Like they're screaming it just so people can tell them they're hypocritical. Hard to explain.
03) Vagueness.
02) Dirty hands.
01) Overuse of elipses.
6 Things I believe in
06) Control.
05) Discretion.
04) Seclusion.
03) [close to] Perfection.
02) Fate.
01) Clarity.
5 Things I¡¦m afraid of
05) Failure
04) Addiction
03) Lack of structure.
02) Being afraid of intimacy.
01) Independence but at the same time, dependence.
4 of my favorite items in my room
04) My bed
03) Contents inside of my computer, but not my computer. Hate this stupid piece of crap.
02) My journals.
01) My books.
3 Things I do every day
03) Shower
02) Plan for my next move.
01) Computer.
2 Things I want to do right now
02) Play the guitar.
01) Go to sleep.
1 Person I want to see right now
01) Hmm... I'm pretty content right now.
Posted at 12:05 am by pseudoclassic
you shouldn't laugh
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Last night, I taped a piece of napkin in my journal. Why? Because it had "assburgers" written on it.
Yesterday was fun. Elisheva, Megan, Dennis, and I planned on riding the 3:45 marta bus to North DeKalb to catch a viewing of the Corpse Bride. Called my mom. She hates marta. Either that, or deathly afraid of it. She came and picked us up. Except, Dennis bailed. So it was just the three of us.
When we got there, after a few attempt donations to the mall with the spiral-coin thing (sadly, lost a dime), we went inside the video-game store and had a round of DDR. Funtastic. Elisheva can't handle the standard level, so I helped her. We ended up losing anyway.
Movie trailers started without us. We took forever to buy snacks because Elisheva had to make conversation with a few counter-folks. With a large icee, pack of mr. goodbar bites, and a coke, we went in. Elisheva likes to sit in the very front of the theatre. We ditched her. Sat in the second row. Peer pressure. She followed us.
We talked pretty much the entire length of the movie. Corpse Bride is the shit. We noticed the details. One of the corpses had ribs in her enormously large chesticle. Laugh laugh laugh. This is what I want to do when I grow up. Not laugh, but make Tim Burton movies. If he's still alive then.
After the movie, we walked around a bit. Saw Neal's sister working at Chic-Fil-A. Got Elisheva a meal. While she ordered, Megan and I stopped by a grown-up clothing store. They sold dresses that Queen Vic would wear. I tried on a pink hat. The store owner told me to stop playing with it. What if I really wanted to buy it? Of course, I didn't have any money on me. But whatever. I put it back. It fell. I picked it up. She told me to just leave it. "And go away" implied Megan. Dear Jesus.
Vitamin stores rock. There was a scale outside the store where it supposedly tells you your "exact weight". I taped the piece of paper it spit out in my journal. Apparently, I'm underweight. All I need to do is wear shoes and I'm good to go. Underweight my ass.
Megan's mommy took me home. Later that night, Justin and I went to a youth group event...all the way in Norcross to Jacob's (youth leader) house. It was fun. I enjoy hanging out with my church people. Jacob's going to teach me how to play guitar because he's pretty awesome.
We had to drive home late. It was 12 went we got home. Bleh.
Time to leave.
Posted at 06:47 pm by pseudoclassic
you shouldn't laugh
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I dislike school with all my heart. I spent 1 hour underlining keypoints in the HWK section of our AP book and another hour writing it down...until I realized that I'd dont it already, like 2 days ago. And I totally wasted my time. What a fuck up. Now I don't want to do any more work because I feel like I've been cheated...by myself. This is terrible. It's a rough life.
Stupid French class. That new chick sure is creepy. I don't know what the deal is, yo. She's very creepy. I don't have a partner. Dammit.
You know what?
PDA. Not so much fun. It seems to me that people don't find intimacy personal anymore. Everyone's like, FLAUNT YOUR LOVE. But why? A relationship is so much more personal than that. I guess I just missed the stage where all the boys are just a little bit naive. Or rather, a little more understanding. I can't find any. Currently, everyone has too much knowledge. I remember 2 years ago, people were still having their first relationships, first kiss...whatever. I don't care if I didn't have what you had or have. I find it odd how we all started on the same foot, but all of you have moved further than me, except, that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is how some of you look at me now and say, "Oh, silly. You'll know/realize/understand...some day." Some day? You make it sound like it's so important to have a serious relationship when you're 15. Sure, I've stated that I want a boy, but that's just me feeling left out. I do feel dejected when my friends' parents ask me if I have a boyfriend. I'm sure it'll lift my spirits "some day". I'm sure my self-esteem will be magically healed. Yeah. I'll feel pretty. What the fucking a.
I don't know. It's a waste of my time. The question now is not, "who has a boyfriend?" but, "who's going to lose it next?" A waste of my fucking time.
I am so prompted to leave.
Posted at 09:32 pm by pseudoclassic
you shouldn't laugh
Friday, September 16, 2005
somehow, this went right over my head.
David Watkins
David Watkins is director of keyboard studies at Kennesaw State University. He has also served on the summer artist faculty of the Eastern Music Festival. He was a winner of the prestigious Atlanta Music Club Scholarship to attend the New England Conservatory of Music in Boston, where he earned the Bachelor of Music and Master of Music degrees in Piano Performance. He has studied and coahced with many renowned artists including Lucille Monaghan, Veronica Jochum, Miklos Schwalb, Robert Helps, Seymour Bernstein, Gary Wolf, Ivan Davis and Lorin Hollander. Mr. Watkins is certifed as a master teacher at the Music Teachers National Association. He was President of the American Matthay Asoociation 1994-1998, and was president of GA Music Teachers Association from 1994-1996. In addition to his duties at KSU, Mr. Watkins continues to perform and lecture. He presented a piano clinic at the GMEA State Conference in Janurary 2003. In March 2003 he presented a lecture-recital on Liszt's Transcendental Etudes 10, 11, and 12 at the MTNA National Convention in Salt Lake City, Utah. In the 2001-2002 season, he performed RIchard Strauss' Burleske with Orchestra Atlanta. In Oct 2003, he performed Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 with the Atlant Community Symphony Orchestra. In May 244, he performed Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue with the Atlanta Wind Symphony.
Mr. Watkins has performed on the national convention programs of the Music Teachers National Association (Little Rock, Nashville, Salt Lake City), the American Matthay Association (Dayton Art Institute, San Jose State Universtiy, Penn State University), and the College Music Society (St. Luis, Toronto). He presented a lecture recital on the Petrarch Sonnets by LIszt at the 1998 National MTNA Convention in Nashville, Tennessee. His students have recieved recognition on state, national and international levels. Mr. Watkins has released two commerical recordings on the ACA Digital label
Mr. Watkins is an active soloist, accompanist and chamber music performer with an unusually varied repertoir at his command. He has performed with the Atlanta Virtuosi Chamber ENsemble in and around his home base of Atlanta and has made appearnaces with them in such prestigious palces as the University of MEsico and the Norht American Cultural Institue in Mexico City. He has appeared as soloist with the Atlanta Ballet Orchestra, Cobb Symphony Orchestra, Atlanta Wind Symphony, DeKalb Symphony Orchestra. He also peformed regularly with cellist Roger Drinkall; the duo toured throughout the MIdwest and South under auspices of Allied Concert Services. Mr. Watkins has accompnaied Metropolitan Opera sopranos Irene Jordan, Linda Zoghby and Patricia Craig in recital. Mr. Watkins made his solo recital debut in New York at Carnegie Recital Hall in May 1986. Mr. Watkins is an international Steinway Artist.
This is my piano teacher.
All of this went entirely over my head. How did I not know this? How the freaking-a did a Rehobeth church accompanist meet a Carnegie Hall veteran? How is it that I learned all this on a concert program? He's extremely intimidating. Xtreme. With an X. He's a fucking genius; he knows everything. Literally. To the point where I sometimes don't get his jokes because his puns are so deep into MUSIC. People like HIM...shouldn't even know that I exist. I've touched his piano before. I've sat on his piano bench. I know what his bedroom looks like. I know that he owns a Hawaiian shirt. He burns incense. His dog is named Sadie and she's deaf. I know all this. Then suddenly, I realize how accomplished he is. I've just started to slightly warm up to him. But now, we're back at square one. I know him not at all. I should be shot.
He has two CDs out. He has a scholarship. The David Watkins Scholarship. Tonight, he had a concert to celebrate his 25th year as a teacher at KSU. I was a miniscule, microscopic speck compared to the house-full of students he's teaching and has taught. I felt so fucking imcompetent. The lady and the man behind me spoke loudly about bassoons, symphony orchestras, and "how many years have you been playing ____? I've played _____ years." All this, while I bitched softly to my journal. Amazing. I plan on dying, thanks. Go on. Rub it in. How many fucking years have you been putting your mouth to this wind instrument that produces spit.
My shoulders cramped up during the concert because I was nervous for him. I get nervous during performances for the people that I know. Usually, it works. Meaning, I take all the anxiety from them. I nearly died when he stopped during the 2nd movement of his first piece. He had a memory block. He stopped playing. Another heart-stopping moment. I didn't know he could make mistakes.
We left immediately after the concert ended. There was a small reception, but I'd just throw up the food. Who cares if the month-old piano student of Mr. Watkins comes by to tell him how amazing he is. He knows. I had 50 people in the house to back me up. I left. Two weeks from now at my lesson, I'll just shake his hand. Thank you, Mr. Watkins, for making me feel like a fucking idiot.
Posted at 11:07 pm by pseudoclassic
you shouldn't laugh
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